During childhood, at some point in time, I suddenly realized that there is a voice inside me that is talking to myself. Every moment and action got recorded somewhere inside There was a feedback, followup, discussion, agreement, disagreement, suggestion and all kinds of things talked inside. I don't remember when this awareness was felt. I have faint memories of early days. Can't say exactly when I really started feeling it. Perhaps it was there since beginning but it was not in a form of dialogue. It started subconsciously and someday I realized that it is none other than "Me" talking to myself. This was the moment of inner-self-awareness. I felt like Number 5 - a robot in movie who realized that he has got human ability - "Number 5 is alive!"
Being able to talk to yourself is such an amazing thing. You know that there is someone who knows everything about you. Knows what you want to do, say, feel, touch, ignore, accept, reject, listen, curse, love, hate and know! Is this someone not YOU? will it exist without you? will you exist without it?
Another thing, we usually converse with ourselves in the default language that we are thought. How do people who can't speak or hear, "talk to themselves"? There has to be a way for them too. We often see that even animals have a thought process. Many of their actions are based out of hardwired instincts and behavioural traits. But sure there has to be a way for them too!
This question always brings an interesting chain of thoughts to my mind (sic)...
"If this is being alive, what is being dead like?"
How does it feel to be dead? There are times when I brainstorm what would happen to people around if I happen to die suddenly, maybe the very next moment? Like when someone casually calls up home and announces that he will be there in few minutes and he doesnt! Or like when you speak to someone and next day you hear sad news about him!
This blog post was in draft for many months, till I came across this disturbing situation. I recently met one fellow biker. We became part of an online group where we discussed riding together and many other things about the motorcycles. While our riding plans took time to materialise, we kept exchanging facebook comments, often witty, poky and informative. One fine Sunday morning, we met near our house for the ride and went 90kms with 3 other bikers. We returned after breakfast and nice chat and waived each other bye-bye as we neared my house. That night I came to know that he met with an accident near his house in the evening and three days later, he succumbed to fatal injuries to head. This entire episode disturbed me a lot. I kept thinking how unexpected life is and how quickly it ended when it seemed like a new begining. Felt like lost someone close. The thought of how his kins and family would be dealing with this made me shake.
Its kindda easy to imagine how others will react, including family, neighbors, friends, colleagues and even strangers. But its still not easy to imagine what happens to you and this voice after death? Is it like you feel when you are deep asleep - total blackout and a calmness surrounding you (and at this point, YOU really stop existing)? This is no easy question to answer I think.
If your inner voice becomes quiet after death, are we dead every time we are sleep? I agree that our body keeps functioning and we even dream. But does that happen to people in coma also? Is difference between being in coma and being asleep, is that the brain forgets to wake up?
At the end, its so fragile and short-lived experience to be alive anyway. Our existance is so tiny in front of the entire universe!
